Day 36. What Was I Thinking?

So when I started this project I honestly thought I would be able to log on at least every day or so to blog all my gratitudes and that in doing so I would be happier.

Turns out ... I'm a bit of a crappy blogger!! Lucky I only have one follower, thanks Haylie :) so I'm not letting many people down!

I've been feeling a bit blue lately ... perhaps I would be feeling better if I had been counting my blessings.  I try to be positive, I am really good at being positive for other people.  Telling them that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be ok. When it's about other people I really believe it.

However, I cant turn that positive energy towards myself.  I am extremely hard on myself. I tell myself that I am going to fail. I am never going to find love. I am fat. I am ugly. I am poor. I really am horrible to myself.  I suppose that is the one thing I hoped to change by doing this blog. 

The one thing I don't say to myself is that I am a bad mother. I know I am a damn good mother.  He is the reason I want to turn all this negativity around.  I want him to grow up with self-confidence. I want him to grow up proud of himself and the achievements I know he will accomplish.  I don't want him to feel the way I feel.

So, I will give myself a fresh start today and try again.

1. I am grateful for my girlfriends.  I confided some of my fears in them this past weekend and they gave me the kind of boost that only your girlfriends can.  They told me that it's ok to give up for a while but I was worthy and loved. 

2. I am grateful to have found that weird exercise bug that other people have. I have been exercising 4+ times a week and have even re-joined a gym.  I am really enjoying putting some focus on myself and my health. I normally focus all my energy on Thom but I know that if I can invest some time and energy and money into me and my health it will serve him in the long run.

3. I am grateful to have a jeweller step-dad! He has taken my wedding rings and assorted jewellery I got from my marriage and he is going to fashion me a new ring. I will call it my Freedom Ring! I am so excited!!

Ok, so fresh start today. I will try to blog more regularly. 

Kair xx

Day 17 - 24

Ok, so I haven't posted for over a week. I knew when I started this blog that I would occasionally miss days but I never intended on missing 8 in a row.  I blame my iPhone drowning, family visiting from interstate and horrible PMS!

So ... I have 24 gratitudes to catch up on ... so I'm going to do a bulk post ...

1. Chocolate, because it makes me feel good
2. Boxing, because it makes me feel good and makes up for the excessive amount of chocolate consumption
3. Tattoos, because I think men are sexier with tattoos. And women for that matter
4. Showers, because you never feel better than when you get out of a shower
5. Fresh sheets, nothing is better than fresh sheets, especially after a shower!
6. Nail polish, I have become a bit of a collector, I'm addicted to nail polish. At the moment I'm in love with glittery ones.
7. Pinterest, I'm also becoming addicted to this. My favourite boards are ones about food, weddings, nail polish and kids parties
8. Party planning. I LOVE planning Thom's birthday party, it's always a touch excessive and I wouldn't change that for anything
9. Instagram. I'm a sucker for social media and photography. I could spend hours on instagram. I try not to.
10. Facebook. Yep ... I am on there way, way too much.
11. Baby-Mac because I like perving on her house and she says things out loud that I am thinking
12. Edenland because she wants me to be a better, braver person and live a bit bolder and try to make a difference in the world
13. Tim Coulson because I adore his photos and when he posts about his family he makes me believe in love.
~ ~ I should probably stop listing blogs ... that could be considered cheating
14. My camera. When I get the time to use it I just love taking photos and trying to interpret how I feel ... I'm looking forward to learning how to use it better
15. My home. It's little and at the moment it's messy but it's mine. I'm so grateful for not having to do rental inspections and to be able to paint it and change it and it has everything I need.
16. My car. It would be so hard to live in Perth without a car. 
17. I was blessed with a good sense of direction, I can always find my way and I'm awesome at reading maps!
18. Tea.
19. Knowing what I want.  The end my last relationship has definitely helped me having a better understanding of what I want out of a relationship the next time round and how I wanted to be treated. More importantly, how I want Thom to be treated.
20. Foxtel. I love trash television and nothing provides more trash television than Foxtel. Geordie Shore, TOWIE, Real Housewives, Kardashians .... love it all!
21. My hour at the end of each day, when Thom is asleep and I indulge in a cup of tea, a piece of chocolate and trash television. Normally with some facebook/instagram/pinterest time. I love that time of day.
22. Co-sleeping. I love waking up with my little dude wrapped around me and getting cuddles and kisses when he wakes up.
23. Knowing I have done one really good deed, I was an egg donor for a friend of mine and whenever I doubt myself I think back to that and know that I can be a good, selfless person and I shouldn't care so much about other people's opinions of me.
24. Dreams. I have so many dreams about places I want to go, to live, things I want to do with my life ... as much as it's frustrating some times I am glad I'm not the kind of person who is content to accept what they have. I will always strive to better myself and my world.

Day 16.

This post is going to be slightly different to my posts to date.  Today I went on one of my weekly adventures with Thom.  My BFF of over 15 years came with me and she, not so subtly, pointed out that she hadn't yet been mentioned here.  So this post is dedicated to you Kristy Lee.

I am grateful for:
1. Your honesty.
2. Your support.
3. Your love.

Kristy is the kind of friend every girl should have.  She always lets you know how she feels, even if you don't want to hear it. She is bone crushingly honest. She has at times been more family to me than my own family.

She is the person who rang around all the wedding venues and organised refunds for me when I was 'left at the alter' so to speak.  She knows me sometimes better than I know myself which is annoying at times!

She is strong and opinionated and thoughtful and generous and a right old pain in the arse. Even my mum loves her, and that is saying something.

I have found in this past year that some friendships come and go, but I know that Kristy is going to be part of my life as long as we both may live.  She is the Juju to my Kiki, the Wallace to my Veronica and we know way too many dirty secrets about each other to not stay together!

I love you Kristy Lee, my sister to another mister.

Day 15.

1. I'm grateful my sister is a beauty therapist and has done her Swedish massage course. I got a full body massage today and it was awesome. My muscles felt so much better after they got some love and attention.

2. Thom's dad got himself a new apartment today. Overlooking the river, paying a ridiculous amount of rent. It made me so mad, what made me angrier though was that he didn't even consider inviting Thom to see the fireworks from his fancy apartment. I'm grateful for opportunities that show me that I am a good parent. Thom always has and always will come first.

3. I'm grateful for mum's pool. It's horrible weather at the moment and I love watching Thom cool off and become more confident in the water.

Day 14.

1. I'm grateful to be getting paid today. December was woeful financially. Money, money, money.

2. I'm grateful to have an exercise partner. My friend, Michelle, and I went to the park and did some interval training. Walking, boxing, sit-ups and squats. I absolutely HATE exercise but doing it with a friend and chatting/laughing the whole time makes is bearable.

3. I'm grateful my family are healthy. Poor Michelle's Grandma had been diagnosed with lung cancer last week and they just found a brain tumour. Such a scary time for her and I'm so thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones.

Day 13.

1. I'm grateful that Thom just LOVES fruit. From the moment I found out I was pregnant there were certain things I wished for. One of them was that my child has a healthy relationship with food and was more like his Dad (who would reach for an orange) than me (who reaches for biscuits). I'm so happy that Thom eats healthy, having him has educated me.

2. I'm grateful that Thom is growing up in a multicultural family. Today he was chatting to a few Cambodian people who didn't speak English and he didn't even notice. Our family is made up of English, Greek, Australian, Indian and Cambodian members and I love it.

3. I'm grateful to have plans and dreams. I'm not happy with my life as it is. I've always had hopes and dreams for how I want my life to be and the kind of life I want to provide for my children. I'm not living that life at the moment and that is frustrating and maddening but I'm glad that I'm not a quitter. I'll find a way.

Day 12.

1. I'm grateful for the chance for my body to wake up naturally rather than by a foot/hand being shoved in my back/face/bum! Nothing better than waking up feeling refreshed!

2. I'm grateful my family never complain about me invading their house all the time. Being alone at weekends sucks and I'm so thankful to have somewhere to go. The fact that its an amazing house with aircon and a pool isn't hard to handle either :)

3. I'm grateful for my mum's financial generosity. I've been struggling financially for the past few weeks and she really looks after me. At 31 I should be able to standing on my own two feet but unfortunately my situation doesn't allow that right now. I hope one day I can repay all her generosity.

I got my haircut today. Got an undercut and I'm loving myself sick!

Day 11.

1. Today I'm grateful that I heaved myself out the door to walk the dog and even managed to semi run. I really, really want to get fit and healthy so I can be a fun active mum for Thom.

I also need to be fit and healthy for the paramedic job application. I'm feeling really motivated to get my life in order.

2. I'm grateful to have friends who I can be totally honest about how hard/frustrating/mind-fucking parenting can be. Whenever you get one issue sorted you seem to get another one. It's hard .... Worthwhile but hard.

3. I'm grateful to have my mum offer to take Thom for the night. I love that she WANTS to spend time with him. I love nothing more than seeing them get along.

Day 10.

1. I'm so grateful for my family's support. I am consider a massive career change from an office job to a paramedic and that would mean a year's unpaid study. My mum and stepdad have offered to let myself and Thomas live with them for the year so I can achieve my dream.

Time to get organised and change my life.

2. I'm grateful to not have anyone in my life telling me I'm going overboard with Thom's birthday party planning. I love a themed kids birthday party and my ex used to always rain on my parade. I'm so looking forward to getting everything in place for Thom's 3rd fireman birthday party.

3. I'm super blessed to have fabulous friends in countries around the world. Just got off the phone to my gorgeous friend Beth who moved back to the UK in December. I miss her heaps but know that I have a place to stay the next time I travel to Europe :) whenever that may be!!

Day 9.

1. I'm grateful that I can do fun, physical activities with Thom.  I love that I can run around with him, wade through water with him, piggy back him. We take these little things for granted sometimes!

Today I took Thom to the Rio Tinto Naturescape in Kings Park and he got to play in mud and splash in water and throw rocks and all the fun outdoor things a little boy should do.  I think one of the best things about having a child is getting to be a child all over again!


2. For a step-dad who really, really takes an interest and genuinely loves my son.  I had a really shitty step-dad growing up who openly favoured his own children over me and my brother.  I'm so lucky that my mum has got it right now and married someone who treats me and my siblings like his own and is so good with Thom.  Thom loves his Bapou, and so do I


3. For my gorgeous new Fossil watch that Thom picked for me for Christmas.  It's perfect and even at 2.5 that kid knows me so well ;)

Day 8.

1. Today I am grateful that my mum came home from holidays.  She was away for 2.5 weeks over the Christmas period and I just missed her. So. Damn. Much.

My mum and I have had a rough path on the road to the relationship we have now. Full of many ups and downs, months of not talking, heated ugly words  ... it's not always been very pretty. On both of our parts. 

I used to be jealous of the mother-daughter relationships my friends had with their mums. Shopping, softness and Saturday coffees. But I don't like shopping or coffee and I'm not very soft. I think my mum was made just for me and I'm lucky to have her.


2. For a job that makes me use my brain.  Every day with this job I am confused and frustrated and have to think and problem solve to get an answer.  After working too many years in a mindless job it's kind of thrilling to have to search to find an answer and feeling some sense of achievement. 

I don't know if this job is forever.  I know everyone says this but I've always really believed that I am meant to do something big with my life. Something meaningful and that makes a difference. I'm still trying to figure it all out.


3. For a great night's sleep last night.  After days of being sick and feeling blocked up it was much needed.  Sleep is the best medicine. I would marry it.

Day 7.

1. I'm grateful for being back at work today. The past two weeks of 'holidays' were exhausting. Trying to entertain and capture the imagination of a toddler is exhausting, especially in the heatwave. I felt like such a failure every time I turned on the tv.

I think it takes a lot of patience and creativity to be a stay at home mum. I crave adult interaction and challenging my brain. I have accepted that's just who I am and I think being a strong, independent, working woman is a good thing for Thom to witness as he grows. I want him to place the same value on money that I do.

2. I'm grateful to have found a friend at work who gets my dirty, inappropriate sense of humour. I like having an email pal to break up the day. I laughed out loud at my computer today ... Which would have been more awkward if I was in the office.

3. I'm so very grateful to be at peace with the end of my marriage. I was emailing with a friend today who is still in the height of his relationship breakup. He is very angry, emotional, depressed and I try to empathise but I realise that I'm not there any more. I'm so glad. Breakups suck the life and joy out of you.

Here's someone who brings me joy:

Day 6.

1. I'm grateful I woke up feeling slightly better today. My house is semi in order and having a tidy house improves my mental state!

2. I'm grateful for finding a website that let me watch all the episodes so for in Season 9 of Grey's Anatomy. I love that show. I'm a little in love with the character Jackson Avery. Teen crush

3. I'm grateful that so for this year my ex and I are managing to be amicable. When he dropped Thom off today he even came in and put up a shelf for me. As much as it would be easy to despise him I think it's best for Thom to see us being friendly. Pretty sure my mum will hate the idea.

I'm so glad to have Thom home and tucked up in bed. He wanted to hold my hand when he had his bath tonight and it was just the cutest thing. Ever.

Day 5.

1.  For having shared custody and being able to take the weekend to recuperate.

2. For peace and quiet.  I havent moved much today except to swap between the sofa and bed.  I know other mums and single mums don't get the priveledge of down time and I am truly thankful to be able to rest. 

3. For my lovely dog Charlie.  He hasn't left my side all day and he's definitely helped me feel less alone.

It's a bit of a pathetic entry today but I'm feeling a little pathetic.  Back to work on Monday so I am determined to have this bug out of my system by tomorrow!!

Day 4.

1. Getting to take Thom to see his first movie.  I've been feeling really exhausted with the flu so I thought it was a good opportunity to do something 'exciting' but not too tiring.  We went and saw Wrect-It Ralph.  He really loved it and it's just the best feeling to see your children have their first experiences.

2. For my ex organising to take Thom a bit earlier than usual so I can rest and try to recoup.  I always miss him so much when he is gone but I know I will be a better mum when he comes home.

3. For wedding tv shows and being to watch hours upon hours of them feeling excited for what my future may hold rather than feeling regret about the past.

Day 3.

1.  Every month I try and take part in Fat Mum Slim's photo a day challenge.  Today she asked for people to submit charities that she could pair a challenge to each month.  I suggested to her that she use White Balloon Day which is a annual event held during Child Protection Week to raise awareness about child sexual assault and help empower survivors to break their silence. 

I am grateful that I am in a place in my life where I am now able to talk openly about being sexually abused when I was younger.  I wasn't able to talk about it for about 10 years and i know it has shaped so much of me and my personality.  More importantly it has made me aware, so aware, that sexual abuse can happen to everyone - boys, girls, young, old by friends, family, parents, uncles (in my case). 

I really think it's important for me to talk about it at every opportunity, not just to help me heal but to try and help change the stigma of it being "something that isn't spoken about". 

2. For having friends I can call to help me when I'm not feeling well. I reached out to my dear friend Jemma last night that I was struggling with being sick and trying to entertain Thom.  She came and took Thom out for a few hours tonight and wore him out and fed him and me dinner.  I feel blessed to have such beautiful friends in my life.

3. For my dishwasher.  Sad, but true.

Day 2.

Today my gorgeous friend Michelle dragged me out to go on a dolphin cruise in Mandurah, about 1.5 hours away from where we live. It was a long car ride with two rambunctious toddlers but was a lovely day nonetheless!

1. I'm grateful for friends who encourage you to do things outside your ordinary routine.

2. I'm grateful for having enough money to do special things for Thom, I would have only spent about $50 today on the cruise and fish 'n' chips but I acknowledge that it's more than other single mums can afford.

3. I'm really grateful to watch my son be gentle and kind. I don't know what I did to be so lucky. He told me he loved me using sign language today from the backseat after he woke up from his nap. He's just the best. Ever.

Day 1

I feel sorry for myself a lot.

I had a hard time growing up and a particularly hard time this past year and I quite often think "I'm so unlucky", "it's not fair" and "why me"? I know, logically, that my life hasn't been that hard. I read the stories on the women India that  Edenland writes about and I know that I am so very lucky and privileged and I feel terrible for being such a .... whiny bitch really.

So, as its a new year and the obvious time to make a fresh start I have decided to start keeping a journal of daily gratitude's.  Three things that I'm grateful for each day, big or small,  whether it's a perfect cup of tea or winning the lotto (fingers crossed).

My hope is that looking out and acknowledging the good in each and every day will make me a better, more positive person.  Maybe even one of those people who wakes up in the morning smiling .... probably not though, not until I've had that perfect cup of tea!

So, without further ado, I present my three gratitude's for 1 January 2013:

1. I'm grateful my son, Thom, still asks for "cuggles".  It never fails to make me smile and I just feel my heart grow that little bit bigger every time he is in my arms, nestled into my neck with his sticky face/fingers/shirt ruining whatever I am wearing.

2. I'm grateful for nurofen.  I only had 3 or 4 drinks last night but for someone who rarely drinks it was enough to give me a massive headache that lasted well into the afternoon.  

3. Airconditioning.  This crazy Perth heatwave is sending me batty and I'm so glad I can hide inside and wait for it to pass.

So that's Day 1. I'm excited to see what tomorrow will bring.