Day 36. What Was I Thinking?

So when I started this project I honestly thought I would be able to log on at least every day or so to blog all my gratitudes and that in doing so I would be happier.

Turns out ... I'm a bit of a crappy blogger!! Lucky I only have one follower, thanks Haylie :) so I'm not letting many people down!

I've been feeling a bit blue lately ... perhaps I would be feeling better if I had been counting my blessings.  I try to be positive, I am really good at being positive for other people.  Telling them that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be ok. When it's about other people I really believe it.

However, I cant turn that positive energy towards myself.  I am extremely hard on myself. I tell myself that I am going to fail. I am never going to find love. I am fat. I am ugly. I am poor. I really am horrible to myself.  I suppose that is the one thing I hoped to change by doing this blog. 

The one thing I don't say to myself is that I am a bad mother. I know I am a damn good mother.  He is the reason I want to turn all this negativity around.  I want him to grow up with self-confidence. I want him to grow up proud of himself and the achievements I know he will accomplish.  I don't want him to feel the way I feel.

So, I will give myself a fresh start today and try again.

1. I am grateful for my girlfriends.  I confided some of my fears in them this past weekend and they gave me the kind of boost that only your girlfriends can.  They told me that it's ok to give up for a while but I was worthy and loved. 

2. I am grateful to have found that weird exercise bug that other people have. I have been exercising 4+ times a week and have even re-joined a gym.  I am really enjoying putting some focus on myself and my health. I normally focus all my energy on Thom but I know that if I can invest some time and energy and money into me and my health it will serve him in the long run.

3. I am grateful to have a jeweller step-dad! He has taken my wedding rings and assorted jewellery I got from my marriage and he is going to fashion me a new ring. I will call it my Freedom Ring! I am so excited!!

Ok, so fresh start today. I will try to blog more regularly. 

Kair xx

Day 17 - 24

Ok, so I haven't posted for over a week. I knew when I started this blog that I would occasionally miss days but I never intended on missing 8 in a row.  I blame my iPhone drowning, family visiting from interstate and horrible PMS!

So ... I have 24 gratitudes to catch up on ... so I'm going to do a bulk post ...

1. Chocolate, because it makes me feel good
2. Boxing, because it makes me feel good and makes up for the excessive amount of chocolate consumption
3. Tattoos, because I think men are sexier with tattoos. And women for that matter
4. Showers, because you never feel better than when you get out of a shower
5. Fresh sheets, nothing is better than fresh sheets, especially after a shower!
6. Nail polish, I have become a bit of a collector, I'm addicted to nail polish. At the moment I'm in love with glittery ones.
7. Pinterest, I'm also becoming addicted to this. My favourite boards are ones about food, weddings, nail polish and kids parties
8. Party planning. I LOVE planning Thom's birthday party, it's always a touch excessive and I wouldn't change that for anything
9. Instagram. I'm a sucker for social media and photography. I could spend hours on instagram. I try not to.
10. Facebook. Yep ... I am on there way, way too much.
11. Baby-Mac because I like perving on her house and she says things out loud that I am thinking
12. Edenland because she wants me to be a better, braver person and live a bit bolder and try to make a difference in the world
13. Tim Coulson because I adore his photos and when he posts about his family he makes me believe in love.
~ ~ I should probably stop listing blogs ... that could be considered cheating
14. My camera. When I get the time to use it I just love taking photos and trying to interpret how I feel ... I'm looking forward to learning how to use it better
15. My home. It's little and at the moment it's messy but it's mine. I'm so grateful for not having to do rental inspections and to be able to paint it and change it and it has everything I need.
16. My car. It would be so hard to live in Perth without a car. 
17. I was blessed with a good sense of direction, I can always find my way and I'm awesome at reading maps!
18. Tea.
19. Knowing what I want.  The end my last relationship has definitely helped me having a better understanding of what I want out of a relationship the next time round and how I wanted to be treated. More importantly, how I want Thom to be treated.
20. Foxtel. I love trash television and nothing provides more trash television than Foxtel. Geordie Shore, TOWIE, Real Housewives, Kardashians .... love it all!
21. My hour at the end of each day, when Thom is asleep and I indulge in a cup of tea, a piece of chocolate and trash television. Normally with some facebook/instagram/pinterest time. I love that time of day.
22. Co-sleeping. I love waking up with my little dude wrapped around me and getting cuddles and kisses when he wakes up.
23. Knowing I have done one really good deed, I was an egg donor for a friend of mine and whenever I doubt myself I think back to that and know that I can be a good, selfless person and I shouldn't care so much about other people's opinions of me.
24. Dreams. I have so many dreams about places I want to go, to live, things I want to do with my life ... as much as it's frustrating some times I am glad I'm not the kind of person who is content to accept what they have. I will always strive to better myself and my world.

Day 16.

This post is going to be slightly different to my posts to date.  Today I went on one of my weekly adventures with Thom.  My BFF of over 15 years came with me and she, not so subtly, pointed out that she hadn't yet been mentioned here.  So this post is dedicated to you Kristy Lee.

I am grateful for:
1. Your honesty.
2. Your support.
3. Your love.

Kristy is the kind of friend every girl should have.  She always lets you know how she feels, even if you don't want to hear it. She is bone crushingly honest. She has at times been more family to me than my own family.

She is the person who rang around all the wedding venues and organised refunds for me when I was 'left at the alter' so to speak.  She knows me sometimes better than I know myself which is annoying at times!

She is strong and opinionated and thoughtful and generous and a right old pain in the arse. Even my mum loves her, and that is saying something.

I have found in this past year that some friendships come and go, but I know that Kristy is going to be part of my life as long as we both may live.  She is the Juju to my Kiki, the Wallace to my Veronica and we know way too many dirty secrets about each other to not stay together!

I love you Kristy Lee, my sister to another mister.

Day 15.

1. I'm grateful my sister is a beauty therapist and has done her Swedish massage course. I got a full body massage today and it was awesome. My muscles felt so much better after they got some love and attention.

2. Thom's dad got himself a new apartment today. Overlooking the river, paying a ridiculous amount of rent. It made me so mad, what made me angrier though was that he didn't even consider inviting Thom to see the fireworks from his fancy apartment. I'm grateful for opportunities that show me that I am a good parent. Thom always has and always will come first.

3. I'm grateful for mum's pool. It's horrible weather at the moment and I love watching Thom cool off and become more confident in the water.

Day 14.

1. I'm grateful to be getting paid today. December was woeful financially. Money, money, money.

2. I'm grateful to have an exercise partner. My friend, Michelle, and I went to the park and did some interval training. Walking, boxing, sit-ups and squats. I absolutely HATE exercise but doing it with a friend and chatting/laughing the whole time makes is bearable.

3. I'm grateful my family are healthy. Poor Michelle's Grandma had been diagnosed with lung cancer last week and they just found a brain tumour. Such a scary time for her and I'm so thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones.

Day 13.

1. I'm grateful that Thom just LOVES fruit. From the moment I found out I was pregnant there were certain things I wished for. One of them was that my child has a healthy relationship with food and was more like his Dad (who would reach for an orange) than me (who reaches for biscuits). I'm so happy that Thom eats healthy, having him has educated me.

2. I'm grateful that Thom is growing up in a multicultural family. Today he was chatting to a few Cambodian people who didn't speak English and he didn't even notice. Our family is made up of English, Greek, Australian, Indian and Cambodian members and I love it.

3. I'm grateful to have plans and dreams. I'm not happy with my life as it is. I've always had hopes and dreams for how I want my life to be and the kind of life I want to provide for my children. I'm not living that life at the moment and that is frustrating and maddening but I'm glad that I'm not a quitter. I'll find a way.

Day 12.

1. I'm grateful for the chance for my body to wake up naturally rather than by a foot/hand being shoved in my back/face/bum! Nothing better than waking up feeling refreshed!

2. I'm grateful my family never complain about me invading their house all the time. Being alone at weekends sucks and I'm so thankful to have somewhere to go. The fact that its an amazing house with aircon and a pool isn't hard to handle either :)

3. I'm grateful for my mum's financial generosity. I've been struggling financially for the past few weeks and she really looks after me. At 31 I should be able to standing on my own two feet but unfortunately my situation doesn't allow that right now. I hope one day I can repay all her generosity.

I got my haircut today. Got an undercut and I'm loving myself sick!